Regret….

Am I alone in my unyielding hatred of regret? I’m not too proud to admit when I am wrong because as most of you know, it doesn’t happen all that often. Seriously, that sounds like a condescending, somewhat arrogant statement, but it is an unquestionable truth that most of what comes out of my mind is pure gold. It’s mental energy from which mankind can only benefit. I’m also a very humble man. (There is a chance that I have what you might call a “tenuous grasp” on the definition of the word “humble”.) The very concept of regret means that you are looking back at events, conversations, or actions of your past and wishing you had generated a different outcome in one way or another. Maybe it was the event itself you would have changed. Maybe it’s the words you chose. Often, it’s the thoughts you held in your head; the mental reaction you have to events as they unfold.

We’ve all had those moments where we think of the perfect response to a conversation that ended hours ago. We’ve all spent tons of energy preparing for, constructing, or implementing something only to find later that there was a much easier way. Occasionally, regret is necessary. Regret is often part of a punishment, or a required component in a process. Regret is often the only way for a person to accept that change is needed. Regret is often the only thing that keeps a former prison inmate from becoming a recidivism statistic. I understand all that. I understand the importance of regret in the human experience but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. I understand the importance of Police in our society, but that doesn’t mean I want them behind me in traffic. Understanding regret doesn’t mean that at the age of 38; I have to enjoy being called to task by my father when I screw up. Too often, that’s exactly how regret goes. Someone points out to you that your over-inflated opinion of yourself has made you look foolish. The degree of regret depends entirely upon the severity of action, but it’s almost never fun.

Last week, I published a few posts that my Dad pointed out may have contained some language that didn’t necessarily speak to the kind of man I consider myself to be. While I still maintain that I could have been much worse in some of my opinions, I have to agree that the excitement of sharing all of these thoughts allowed me to do so in an often inappropriate manner. I hereby publicly apologize to my father. I will post a picture of him from the eighties in a future post for his insubordination, but I apologize nonetheless. You’re right.

Regret most often requires us to admit wrongdoing in one way or another. That’s not easy for us to do as humans; especially men. I have big regrets that have cost me relationships I actually cared about and I have small regrets for which my wife makes sure I atone. Parents often have regret over the words they chose to use with their children in the midst of difficult situations and I’m no different. Husbands often have regret over stubborn behavior used to gain control in what eventually proved to be a ridiculously unimportant issue in their marriage. Again, I’m no different.

Okay, all this open admission of wrongdoing has really worn me out. Seriously folks, you’ve just read about a decade’s worth of apology and self incrimination on my part. I hope you’re all happy.

Hope your weekends are shaping up to be as terrific as the one I am currently enjoying.

Thanks for playing.

JRG1

PS: Way To Go CARDINALS!!!!

Purposely Secluded….

I’ve heard enough of the outside world already today. I think it’s time I shut myself off from it before my mood is ruined. Some of the things that promoted blood boiling rage to attempt refuge in my soul already this morning are the Unemployment Numbers holding at a stagnant  9.1% and a President who seems absolutely unwilling to address the issue with anything other than unquestionably failed tactics. Just keep looking down your nose at all of us and telling us that we “know your plan will turn things around.” No. They will not. You’re in over your head.
I’m also still reeling from the Cowboys’ epic collapse this weekend. I understand that the Lions are not the punching bags we’re all used to and that they earned the win, but it still sucks. When you leave the house at halftime leading by 24 points, you assume that’s a victory. Romo had better passing stats for the Lions that Matthew Stafford. Pathetic, but as promised…..I will leave the real world alone and continue to make up my stories, conclusions, conversations, and histories to accompany already troubling headlines. It was a fun exercise yesterday and I’m fairly confident that our Commander In Chief, celebrity elite, or legal system will do something to inspire frothing at the mouth rage between now and Monday……be patient people! We’ll get back to normalcy next week but this has been too good of a week (despite the Cowboys debacle) to let it go out on a negative note.
The search for insane behavior never takes all that long in our great country. One of the freedoms for which democracy is seldom credited is the right to be street-rat crazy. We celebrate craziness as fervently as we celebrate Christmas. Charlie Sheen’s well documented psychological meltdown received more global attention than any story of humanitarian efforts, medical advance, political debate, or foreign policy issues over the two weeks it unfolded. We all watched with morbid curiosity. Some hoped to witness an on-air suicide. Others hoped for something even more crazy but the sad fact is that we all watched intently. Crazy trumps good in terms of ratings almost every time.
Finding idiots whose actions spark humorous perspective; well, it’s a lot like fishing…….for lobster…….in a five gallon bucket full of lobster. Today is no different. Took about 5 minutes to identify 3 stories whose characters deserve nothing less than “Idiot Status” in today’s rant. Enjoy the following excerpts from the world around us.


IDIOT NUMBER ONE: This story comes to us from Denver, Colorado. Denver is a beautiful city. It’s right up there in my top three places I have ever lived but I believe the thin, dry air produces a lot more than crusty nasal passages in the heads of its residents. There seems to be a level of crazy prevalent in Denver that simply exceeds crazy from other regions. Robert Young, 43, faces charges of abusing a corpse. That in and of itself is not funny at all. Just the word “corpse” in your permanent record is enough to decrease your personal marketability by a considerable percentage I would have to imagine.


"Mr. Young, I would really love to hire you. Your resume is impeccable, your references are solid, and you seem to be a great fit here but that little voice in my head keeps telling me to pay more attention to the whole "corpse" thing."


The story, as I imagine it, goes a little something like this. Robert and a much younger friend arrive at their dear friend’s home as had been planned earlier in the day. The plan was for the three of them to go out drinking, and doing all those things guys do when they hit the town. The itinerary seemed to hit a bit of a speed-bump when Jeffrey Jarrett failed to respond to their wake-up calls. Now, guys…..I know all of us have had to face this particular dilemma at one point or another. It’s almost like a rite of passage in our country. You arrive at the home of a friend with whom you are excited to spend a raucous evening only to find him dead. What do you do? Do you call 911 like a scared little school-girl? Hell no! You strap him into the backseat and hit the road! I mean, plans are plans. Am I right?
Well, Mr. Young apparently thought it would be okay to go ahead and hit a few bars, and a strip club before paying his final respects to his lost friend. While Mr. Jarrett enjoyed “the big sleep” in the backseat of what I am sure is a meticulously cleaned, finely tuned automobile, Mr. Young enjoyed the night they had planned. The problem is that he did so with his dead friend’s credit cards which the Denver Police Department points out; “Mr Young did not have permission to use.” After bleeding their Life Impaired friend dry, the pair of humanitarians returned him to his home where they did their best to make him comfortable before calling the police to alert them of his passing.
I’m left with a few unanswered questions: Most guys go to bars and strip clubs with one thought on their minds. If the night had led to a few female guests making the return trip home, how would you have explained the “extremely sleepy gentleman” in the backseat? “Don’t mind Jeffrey. He gets dead tired when he drinks. Just push his cold, stiff, butt over and climb on in, sugar.”
What about the money? You say he owed you money? Is this howyou think he imagined paying you back? Do you think he sat in his favorite chair, staring at the ceiling, thinking “You know…..when I go, I hope the guys drive my carcass around town for a while, spending all of my money, and chasing strange. That’s the way I wanna go.”? I kind of doubt it and the fact that you didn’t earns you a big old IDIOT stamp! 


IDIOT NUMBER TWO: You didn’t think I would stop at just one creepy story, did you? Idiot number two comes to us from China. Normally, when I think of China, it’s not for stupidity. Sadly, a boy known only by the surname “Zheng” is out to change that. You see, Zheng, a teenager in the southern province of Guangdong really wanted an iPad2. I cannot emphasize that enough. He REALLY wanted an iPad2. Think back to the one toy you wanted more than anything as a kid…….think back to the anticipation and planning that went into making sure you held that thing in your hands…..did you work extra hard? Did you constantly look for ways to make it happen? Well, Zheng went a different route entirely! Zheng sold his freaking kidney for just over $2,000. He could have easily gotten $5,000! If he could have found a way to cut out the shady Yemeni agent, he could have made ten times that amount, but he only needed enough to buy an iPad2. I repeat: Chinese teenager sold his kidney for an iPad2.
The boy finally had to confess the horrendous decision to his mother after he began to suffer from renal complications for which there is no “app”. The infected appearance to the scar prompted her to action but I seriously doubt that the people willing to take a kidney from a teenage boy are going to put it back in because mama says they have to. Besides, the boy had already spent their money and returning the iPad2 was out of the question. Filtering my blood or getting a new gadget? I choose urinary filtration almost every single time. I don’t really know what to say to this story. Selling an organ to cover the cost of an i-anything gets you an IDIOT stamp every time, my friend. Every time.


IDIOT NUMBER THREE: Our last idiot of the day is not really just one person although the picture here may indicate otherwise. This guy, while no doubt a completely self-obsessed, orange-ish, loud, over-moussed, douchebag is really just an illustration of a much bigger epidemic than colored wife beaters and camouflage cargo shorts will ever be able to conceal. You see, this classless moron actually had the language skills necessary to exploit a weakening society and bully his way into free travel for his pissy little friend here.
Before any of you go whining about me not being a dog lover, I’ll save you the energy. I love dogs. I have always loved dogs and always will. What I don’t like are juiced up punks like this one to the left saying that their depression or anxiety is a disorder which prevents them from being without their loyal companions for the time it would take to complete a domestic flight. I love dogs, but I don’t like Jersey Shore Scrotumetti here buying a Pit Bull so people will think he’s tough and then claiming that depression made him do it. Did depression make you buy that ridiculous shirt? Did anxiety case you to stand there and take a phone call while your dog pees all over the carpet of an airport?
It’s not just this genius either. People all over the country are getting dumber and dumber when it comes to airline security. I’m not talking about the occasional TSA mishap where a woman gets inappropriately groped, exposed, or searched. Those people do way more good than harm. I’m talking about the passengers as a whole. Every time I fly, I hear people complaining about the wait at the security lines……complaining about the delay required of removing shoes, watches, laptops, etc…..yet the TSA reports that over 800 firearms have been confiscated form carry-on bags so far this year. That’s 800 people that drive on the same roads, vote in the same districts, have the same rights as you that believed it was okay to bring a loaded weapon onto the plane with them. That number doesn’t even include the countless knives that continue to show up at airport security screeners.
I’ve taken the time to put together the following slideshow to help you all remember things that you should NOT bring on a plane with you, especially within the borders of the United States. I hope it is helpful.

NOT Cleared For Takeoff

View Full Album

This is not a complete list, but if you’re wondering whether or not the weapon you are planning on bringing aboard a domestic flight here in the USA is permissible, you should probably check with the TSA website.

Again, we’ll get back to serious topics next week. I felt like having some fun today.
As always, thanks for playing and GO CARDINALS!!!!!!

JRG1

A Bit More Lighthearted….

No 6 year olds at gay weddings today. No documented terrorists within the highest levels of our government. Just good old fashioned stupidity, and crack fueled logic. To be honest, I’m still a little wiped out from yesterday’s post.
Let’s see; where should I start? The first story to catch my attention today was of a man in England who attacked a thirteen year old boy. The man faces serious charges for bursting into the boy’s home and attempting to choke him with both hands. Now, I’m not sure how you were raised, or if your father was a good influence or not. Mine happened to be a a pretty good one, so maybe I’m giving common sense a lot of undue credit here but shouldn’t you know better than that at the age of 46? At some point, after leaving his own home where his wife and three children waited for his return, don’t you think the old ‘abort’ light should have gone off in his brain? It seems to me that there could not possibly be an explanation to justify such behavior, but let’s give the gent a little benefit of the doubt, shall we? 
- So….Mr. Bradford, what happened? What did this boy do to deserve such violent and seemingly psychotic behavior? -
- He shot my online video game character and then called me a name. -
- Oh…..well, we’re all very sorry to have bothered you then! Please carry on. In fact, if I could be so intrusive as to ask you for a favor? There are some nights when my kids get real picky about their food; or maybe they get grumpy around bedtime or they just won’t stay in bed. Do you think maybe you could come over to my house and try to choke the life out of them? -

IDIOT!

The second story I found entertaining yesterday was the tale of Donald Gartner. Donald, a 48 year old man from Land O’ Lakes, Florida was arrested last week for public intoxication. He was found crawling out of his neighbor’s bushes wearing his shorts backwards. Again, to just assume that a man crawling out of his neighbor’s bushes wearing his clothing backwards was doing so for anything other than noble pursuits would be close-minded of us, right? In the spirit of that often mentioned progress we hear so much about from our friends out West, let’s give Mr. Gartner a chance to explain his side of the story. Wait…..a police spokesperson is coming out now…….
“Never mind, y’all. He’s shit-faced. First, he said he was in there looking for paint cans. Then, he said he was trying to change a light bulb. He also said he just finished a 6 for 6 night which would be great if he were a batter for the Cardinals, but he is sadly referring to the six beers and the 6 oxycodone he ingested a short while ago. We’ll get him cleaned up and send him out to talk to you guys in a little while, okay?”
Now, again I will admit that perhaps it’s my upbringing but at that point I believe I would have thrown in the towel. My neighbors just watched me get dragged out of their shrubbery, pie-eyed drunk, speaking gibberish, and leaving unanswered questions such as “why did you feel you needed paint at this particular moment?” Personally, I would have just slept it off, taken my lumps in the jail-cell and considered that rock-bottom. Mr. Gartner and I do not apparently share the same set of values and beliefs. I realize that is a shocking revelation in and of itself, but try to gather your composure and read the rest of the story.
Donald spent a few sobering hours in the local jail. He was taken into custody at 6:30 and was released at around ten. (Apparently, in Land O’ Lakes; 3.5 hours is all that’s required to sleep off that much crazy.) Donald made it all the way to the parking lot of the jail before he was spotted trying to break into cars. He was immediately arrested and taken back inside.
No further questions, your honor.

IDIOT!

It’s not often that the medical community produces anything truly worthwhile in terms of research. I mean…..once they learned that drilling holes in human skulls was probably not the best way to release evil spirits from a person’s brain, it’s all been pretty downhill, right? It would appear that Dr. Andrew Kramer is vehemently fighting to change that.
First, let’s back up and take a look at the voyage that has brought us all to the precipice of history. At some point, Andrew Kramer was just a little boy with his whole life ahead of him. He had wide eyes and even wider dreams. His friends would often tease him that his dreams and goals were so much different than those of their own, but he didn’t care. It was a lonely path at times, but one he knew would eventually pay off. He would be the best dick-man this side of Greece.
In college, when most students were partying and exploring the sexual freedom that comes from the experience, Andrew continued to study the penis. Day and night, studying penis. The verbal jabs and mocking smiles only fueled his determination.
Well, folks….all that work has finally paid off. The years of obsessive seclusion studying man’s best friend; the incessant odor of scrotum on his fingertips; the mental battles that must have raged inside his head as he wondered if playing with that much dick was normal…..it’s all paid off.
Dr. Kramer, now a urologist at University of Maryland Medical Center has recently released a study claiming that extramarital affairs are largely to blame for penile injuries. Dr Kramer has concluded; and I’m heavily paraphrasing here, that “sticking your man-parts in all sorts of strange in all sorts of situations may be hurting them.” In other words, weird positions, hurried and sometimes over-anticipated “froggings” often lead to “bending it”. I’m not intentionally typing this in a British accent, but it sure reads that way, doesn’t it?

In closing, I guess this last story takes me back to a simpler time. I was just a child, sitting on the small, wooden boat dock that extended from the shore into Lake Marble Falls, Texas. I’d sit there, enjoying the last few minutes of daylight and soaking up the wisdom of my Great Grandmother. One of her most frequently repeated bits of advice was one that would make Dr Kramer stand and cheer…..

“Strange ain’t worth it if it snaps your branch.”

….Man, I miss her. 

Well, like I said in the beginning of this post, this one was going to be a bit more lighthearted. I certainly feel I accomplished that mission. Hope you enjoyed it and as always, thanks for playing.

JRG1

UN-FREAKING-ACCEPTABLE But So Predictable….

I was actually beginning to think I was going to make it through a Tuesday without finding anything to rant about, but then old reliable came through with strength to spare in the race to do something stupid. As is so often the case, the source of frustration today comes from the Bay Area in California. I hate that this part of the country is so far gone. It’s one of my favorite places to visit, but I have to carry a can of Crazy Repellent while I’m there.
Today, the news broke about a class of First Graders that were taken on a field trip to witness a same-sex wedding. I’ll say that again…..FIRST GRADERS were taken to witness a same-sex wedding. Children were transported from school to the wedding during school hours. Am I the only one that finds this horrendously unacceptable? I’m the parent of a first grader. I take that title as a badge of honor and this news story has me more than a little on edge. I can only assume that the field trip was not mandatory. I can assume that the parents of the students in attendance were those ultra-cool, ultra-progressive types that want their kids to learn from this “teachable moment.” Great, that’s fantastic. My concern is with the fact that those kids are not being taught there is a controversy over such events. Instead, they are being taught that there is absolutely no difference between a same-sex union and a standard wedding. They are being taught issues such as sex, marriage, law, and politics at an age that simply doesn’t require such knowledge. My son does not need to know how to define the word ‘lesbian’. He doesn’t need to know what the hell a “Proposition” is. When the time does come for such knowledge, why is it not the responsibility of the parent? California Law REQUIRES teachers to discuss marriage as part of the curriculum for kindergartners through seniors. (Sec. 51980 California Education Code)

Is that what being ‘progressive’ means? Let me get this straight…..in order to fit into what you define as a progressive community, I have to leave the value system of my child up to your construction? No thank you! I’ll continue my meager existence in that vast area between you and New York that seems to get overlooked far too often. The conclusions to which my son arrives on issues such as same-sex marriages, abortions, religion, and politics will be formed by me and the family with which my son is surrounded. A teacher is a valuable part of a child’s upbringing, but they do NOT have the right to indoctrinate my son into their way of thinking, especially just to draw attention to their own personal cause. Again, my son has no need, at age 6, to know what the heck a lesbian wedding is, let alone be driven to one in front of news cameras, media, and other publicity seeking fanfare.
We’re letting this happen, America. We keep trying to be sensitive to the needs of every activist group out there and sooner or later, everything is illegal and legal at the same time. Soon, it will be illegal to convict a person of murder because it's insensitive to those with a killing disease. (Murderus Dickheademae I believe it’s called.) While that is hopefully a stretch, there are clear-cut cases of such “progress” taking place all over the country. Terrorists are not the only ones figuring out how to use our own social issues and convoluted legal system against us. I’ve asked this question many times in the past, but when are we going to start letting common sense prevail. Not everyone can be made happy all the time. Yes, the Constitution does technically give the idiots who protest soldier’s funerals the ‘right’  to do so, but does that mean we have to allow it? Why is their tasteless, baseless, and abhorrently inappropriate speech protected more heartily than the rights of a grieving parent to bury their son or daughter? No one has been able to explain that one to me yet. Yes, I get it…..it’s a First Amendment thing but that’s my point? Do you think the Founding Fathers (referred to as “Framers” in California because “founding fathers” is offensive to women who feel left out of the forming of our government. Sorry, I didn’t see Ms. Fishbreath McNasty’s signature there on the old Declaration of Independence.) really intended for the First Amendment to be used in such a manner? Stop taking the law so literally when it helps your cause and then bending it to the point of torture when it doesn’t. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to my kids. It’s not fair to the rest of the world.
Let me raise my kids, you crazy progressives! Thanks.
Thanks for playing!
JRG1