Friday, October 7, 2011

Purposely Secluded….

I’ve heard enough of the outside world already today. I think it’s time I shut myself off from ithomeless before my mood is ruined. Some of the things that promoted blood boiling rage to attempt refuge in my soul already this morning are the Unemployment Numbers holding at a stagnant  9.1% and a President who seems absolutely unwilling to address the issue with anything other than unquestionably failed tactics. Just keep looking down your nose at all of us and telling us that we “know your plan will turn things around.” No. They will not. You’re in over your head.
I’m also still reeling from the Cowboys’ epic collapse this weekend. I understand that the Lions are not the punching bags we’re all used to and that they earned the win, but it still sucks. When you leave the house at halftime leading by 24 points, you assume that’s a victory. Romo had better passing stats for the Lions that Matthew Stafford. Pathetic, but as promised…..I will leave the real world alone and continue to make up my stories, conclusions, conversations, and histories to accompany already troubling headlines. It was a fun exercise yesterday and I’m fairly confident that our Commander In Chief, celebrity elite, or legal system will do something to inspire frothing at the mouth rage between now and Monday……be patient people! We’ll get back to normalcy next week but this has been too good of a week (despite the Cowboys debacle) to let it go out on a negative note.
Hillary1 The search for insane behavior never takes all that long in our great country. One of the freedoms for which democracy is seldom credited is the right to be street-rat crazy. We celebrate craziness as fervently as we celebrate Christmas. Charlie Sheen’s well documented psychological meltdown received more global attention than any story of humanitarian efforts, medical advance, political debate, or foreign policy issues over the two weeks it unfolded. We all watched with morbid curiosity. Some hoped to witness an on-air suicide. Others hoped for something even more crazy but the sad fact is that we all watched intently. Crazy trumps good in terms of ratings almost every time.
Finding idiots whose actions spark humorous perspective; well, it’s a lot like fishing…….for lobster…….in a five gallon bucket full of lobster. Today is no different. Took about 5 minutes to identify 3 stories whose characters deserve nothing less than “Idiot Status” in today’s rant. Enjoy the following excerpts from the world around us.

IDIOT NUMBER ONE: This story comes to us from Denver, Colorado. Denver is a beautiful city. It’s right up there in my top three places I have ever lived but I believe the thin, dry air produces a lot more than crusty nasal passages in the heads of its residents. There seems to be a level of crazy prevalent in Denver that simply exceeds crazy from other regions. Robert Young, 43, faces charges of abusing a corpse. That in and of itself is not funny at all. Just the word “corpse” in your permanent record is enough to decrease your personal marketability by a considerable percentage I would have to imagine.

"Mr. Young, I would really love to hire you. Your resume is impeccable, your references are solid, and you seem to be a great fit here but that little voice in my head keeps telling me to pay more attention to the whole "corpse" thing."

The story, as I imagine it, goes a little something like this. Robert and a much younger friend arrive at their dear friend’s home as had been planned earlier in the day. The plan was for the three of them to go out drinking, and doing all those things guys do when they hit the town. The itinerary seemed to hit a bit of a speed-bump when Jeffrey Jarrett failed to respond to their wake-up calls. Now, guys…..I know all of us have had to face this particular dilemma at one point or another. It’s almost like a rite of passageRobert Young in our country. You arrive at the home of a friend with whom you are excited to spend a raucous evening only to find him dead. What do you do? Do you call 911 like a scared little school-girl? Hell no! You strap him into the backseat and hit the road! I mean, plans are plans. Am I right?
Well, Mr. Young apparently thought it would be okay to go ahead and hit a few bars, and a strip club before paying his final respects to his lost friend. While Mr. Jarrett enjoyed “the big sleep” in the backseat of what I am sure is a meticulously cleaned, finely tuned automobile, Mr. Young enjoyed the night they had planned. The problem is that he did so with his dead friend’s credit cards which the Denver Police Department points out; “Mr Young did not have permission to use.” After bleeding their Life Impaired friend dry, the pair of humanitarians returned him to his home where they did their best to make him comfortable before calling the police to alert them of his passing.
I’m left with a few unanswered questions: Most guys go to bars and strip clubs with one thought on their minds. If the night had led to a few female guests making the return trip home, how would you have explained the “extremely sleepy gentleman” in the backseat? “Don’t mind Jeffrey. He gets dead tired when he drinks. Just push his cold, stiff, butt over and climb on in, sugar.”
What about the money? You say he owed you money? Is this howyou think he imagined paying you back? Do you think he sat in his favorite chair, staring at the ceiling, thinking “You know…..when I go, I hope the guys drive my carcass around town for a while, spending all of my money, and chasing strange. That’s the way I wanna go.”? I kind of doubt it and the fact that you didn’t earns you a big old IDIOT stamp! 

IDIOT NUMBER TWO: You didn’t think I would stop at just one creepy story, did you? Idiot number two comes to us from China. Normally, when I think of China, it’s not for stupidity. Sadly, a boy known only by the surname “Zheng” is out to change that. You see, Zheng, a teenager in the southern province of Guangdong really wanted an iPad2. I cannot emphasize that enough. He REALLY wanted an iPad2. Think back to the one toy you wanted more than anything as a kid…….think back to the anticipation and planning that went into making sure you held that thing in your hands…..did you work extra hard? Did you constantly look for ways to make it happen? Well, Zheng went a different route entirely! Zheng sold his freaking kidney for just over $2,000. He could have easily gotten $5,000! If he could have found a way to cut out the shady Yemeni agent, he could have made ten times that amount, but he only needed enough to buy an iPad2. I repeat: Chinese teenager sold his kidney for an iPad2.
The boy finally had to confess the horrendous decision to his mother after he began to suffer from renal complications for which there is no “app”. The infected appearance to the scar prompted her to action but I seriously doubt that the people willing to take a kidney from a teenage boy are going to put it back in because mama says they have to. Besides, the boy had already spent their money and returning the iPad2 was out of the question. Filtering my blood or getting a new gadget? I choose urinary filtration almost every single time. I don’t really know what to say to this story. Selling an organ to cover the cost of an i-anything gets you an IDIOT stamp every time, my friend. Every time.

IDIOT NUMBER THREE: Our last idiot of the day is not really just one person although the picture here may indicate otherwise. This guy, while no doubt a completely self-obsessed, orange-ish, loud, over-moussed, douchebag is really just an illustration of a much bigger epidemic than colored wife beaters and camouflage cargo shorts will ever be able to conceal. ServiceAnimalUrine You see, this classless moron actually had the language skills necessary to exploit a weakening society and bully his way into free travel for his pissy little friend here.
Before any of you go whining about me not being a dog lover, I’ll save you the energy. I love dogs. I have always loved dogs and always will. What I don’t like are juiced up punks like this one to the left saying that their depression or anxiety is a disorder which prevents them from being without their loyal companions for the time it would take to complete a domestic flight. I love dogs, but I don’t like Jersey Shore Scrotumetti here buying a Pit Bull so people will think he’s tough and then claiming that depression made him do it. Did depression make you buy that ridiculous shirt? Did anxiety case you to stand there and take a phone call while your dog pees all over the carpet of an airport?
It’s not just this genius either. People all over the country are getting dumber and dumber when it comes to airline security. I’m not talking about the occasional TSA mishap where a woman gets inappropriately groped, exposed, or searched. Those people do way more good than harm. I’m talking about the passengers as a whole. Every time I fly, I hear people complaining about the wait at the security lines……complaining about the delay required of removing shoes, watches, laptops, etc…..yet the TSA reports that over 800 firearms have been confiscated form carry-on bags so far this year. That’s 800 people that drive on the same roads, vote in the same districts, have the same rights as you that believed it was okay to bring a loaded weapon onto the plane with them. That number doesn’t even include the countless knives that continue to show up at airport security screeners.
I’ve taken the time to put together the following slideshow to help you all remember things that you should NOT bring on a plane with you, especially within the borders of the United States. I hope it is helpful.

NOT Cleared For Takeoff

This is not a complete list, but if you’re wondering whether or not the weapon you are planning on bringing aboard a domestic flight here in the USA is permissible, you should probably check with the TSA website.

Again, we’ll get back to serious topics next week. I felt like having some fun today.
As always, thanks for playing and GO CARDINALS!!!!!!