Thursday, October 6, 2011

A Bit More Lighthearted….

No 6 year olds at gay weddings today. No documented terrorists within the highest levels of our government. Just good old fashioned stupidity, and crack fueled logic. To be honest, I’m still a little wiped out from yesterday’s post.
Let’s see; where should I start? The first story to catch my attention today was of a man in England who attacked a thirteen year old boy. The man faces serious charges for bursting into the boy’s home and attempting to choke him with both hands. Now, I’m not sure how you were raised, or if your father was a good influence or not. Mine happened to be a a pretty good one,Mark Bradford so maybe I’m giving common sense a lot of undue credit here but shouldn’t you know better than that at the age of 46? At some point, after leaving his own home where his wife and three children waited for his return, don’t you think the old ‘abort’ light should have gone off in his brain? It seems to me that there could not possibly be an explanation to justify such behavior, but let’s give the gent a little benefit of the doubt, shall we? 
- So….Mr. Bradford, what happened? What did this boy do to deserve such violent and seemingly psychotic behavior? -
- He shot my online video game character and then called me a name. -
- Oh…..well, we’re all very sorry to have bothered you then! Please carry on. In fact, if I could be so intrusive as to ask you for a favor? There are some nights when my kids get real picky about their food; or maybe they get grumpy around bedtime or they just won’t stay in bed. Do you think maybe you could come over to my house and try to choke the life out of them? -

The second story I found entertaining yesterday was the tale of Donald Gartner. Donald, a 48 year old man from Land O’ Lakes, Florida was arrested last week for public intoxication. He was found crawling out of his neighbor’s bushes wearing his shorts backwards. Again, to just assume that a man crawling out of his neighbor’s bushes wearing his clothing backwards was doing so for anything other than noble pursuits would be close-minded of us, right? In the spirit of that often mentioned progress we hear so much about from our friends out West, let’s give Mr. Gartner a chance to explain his side of the story. Wait…..a police spokesperson is coming out now…….
“Never mind, y’all. He’s shit-faced. First, he said he was in there looking for paint cans. Then, he said he was trying to change a light bulb. He also said he just finished a 6 for 6 night which would be great if he were a batter for the Cardinals, but he is sadly referring to the six beers and the 6 oxycodone he ingested a short while ago. We’ll get him cleaned up and send him out to talk to you guys in a little while, okay?”
Donald Gartner Now, again I will admit that perhaps it’s my upbringing but at that point I believe I would have thrown in the towel. My neighbors just watched me get dragged out of their shrubbery, pie-eyed drunk, speaking gibberish, and leaving unanswered questions such as “why did you feel you needed paint at this particular moment?” Personally, I would have just slept it off, taken my lumps in the jail-cell and considered that rock-bottom. Mr. Gartner and I do not apparently share the same set of values and beliefs. I realize that is a shocking revelation in and of itself, but try to gather your composure and read the rest of the story.
Donald spent a few sobering hours in the local jail. He was taken into custody at 6:30 and was released at around ten. (Apparently, in Land O’ Lakes; 3.5 hours is all that’s required to sleep off that much crazy.) Donald made it all the way to the parking lot of the jail before he was spotted trying to break into cars. He was immediately arrested and taken back inside.
No further questions, your honor.
It’s not often that the medical community produces anything truly worthwhile in terms of research. I mean…..once they learned that drilling holes in human skulls was probably not the best way to release evil spirits from a person’s brain, it’s all been pretty downhill, right? It would appear that Dr. Andrew Kramer is vehemently fighting to change that.
First, let’s back up and take a look at the voyage that has brought us all to the precipice of history. At some point, Andrew Kramer was just a little boy with his whole life ahead of him. He had wide eyes and even wider dreams. His friends would often tease him that his dreams and goals were so much different than those of their own, but he didn’t care. It was a lonely path at times, but one he knew would eventually pay off. He would be the best dick-man this side of Greece.
In college, when most students were partying and exploring the sexual freedom that comes01urologywMD from the experience, Andrew continued to study the penis. Day and night, studying penis. The verbal jabs and mocking smiles only fueled his determination.
Well, folks….all that work has finally paid off. The years of obsessive seclusion studying man’s best friend; the incessant odor of scrotum on his fingertips; the mental battles that must have raged inside his head as he wondered if playing with that much dick was normal…’s all paid off.
Dr. Kramer, now a urologist at University of Maryland Medical Center has recently released a study claiming that extramarital affairs are largely to blame for penile injuries. Dr Kramer has concluded; and I’m heavily paraphrasing here, that “sticking your man-parts in all sorts of strange in all sorts of situations may be hurting them.” In other words, weird positions, hurried and sometimes over-anticipated “froggings” often lead to “bending it”. I’m not intentionally typing this in a British accent, but it sure reads that way, doesn’t it?

In closing, I guess this last story takes me back to a simpler time. I was just a child, sitting on the small, wooden boat dock that extended from the shore into Lake Marble Falls, Texas. I’d sit there, enjoying the last few minutes of daylight and soaking up the wisdom of my Great Grandmother. One of her most frequently repeated bits of advice was one that would make Dr Kramer stand and cheer…..
Strange ain’t worth it if it snaps your branch.”
….Man, I miss her. 
Well, like I said in the beginning of this post, this one was going to be a bit more lighthearted. I certainly feel I accomplished that mission. Hope you enjoyed it and as always, thanks for playing.