“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.”
- Francis Bacon
That guy that cut me off in traffic this morning; the one in the crappy little sports car that might have been cool back in the days of Dawson’s Creek but even then was considered to be the vehicle of choice among guys who were able to articulate an opposition to their mother’s decision to stop breast feeding; the one who caused me to do the paternal “arm-belt” across the chest of my seven-year old son as I pushed my brakes to the floorboard…..I wanted revenge. I wanted to choke him with his own tie but eventually, cooler heads prevailed and thought I was I was going to be able to enjoy the rest of a peaceful and chatty ride to school with my bruise free mini-clone. A few minutes later, we pulled up beside the same vehicle. I had pretty much let the incident go and was fully immersed in the conversation and curious observations of a young mind when I noticed the bumper sticker on the back windshield of the moron’s coche de caca:
If God were real, she’d be a liberal.
Really? What purpose does that message serve other than to provoke rage in the minds of almost everybody to read it? And you drive like a blind, fifteen year old girl too? Interesting choice of life habits, but to each their own. The whole incident did get me thinking about the differences between liberals and conservatives. Before I ever laid eyes on the bumper sticker, I assumed there was a liberal at the wheel. I made this assumption based on his actions. The openly displayed sense that he and his needs were more important than anyone else or their schedule. Such an instantly recognizable symptom of the liberal disease. Some new information has come to light in the past week which may prove to make the identification of liberals even easier, but first, let’s take a look at a few of the other established and accepted differences as we currently know them.
CONSERVATIVES: We believe in personal responsibility, limited government, free markets, individual liberty and traditional American values. We believe in a strong, capable, and enviable national defense. We believe that the role of government should be to provide the freedom necessary for individuals to pursue their own goals. Our policies generally emphasize the empowerment of the individual, not government entities.
LIBERALS: Liberals believe that the government is too big to fit within the Constitution. Effective rule of an entire country of people shouldn’t be impeded by such notions as personal accountability, integrity, or physical beauty. Liberals believe that the government should be free to create and exploit as many groups of victims as necessary to support their insane ideas. Liberals believe the government should insure that those who choose not to work are guaranteed the same lifestyle and amenities as those who work hard everyday. Liberals will create victims to fight for, but they expect the vote of those victims in return.
That pretty much sums up the differences in the ideologies, but what about the issues that so often serve as the identifiers in such classifications? Everybody knows that one topic that will bring liberals and conservatives to the surface in any group…..those subjects that simply can’t be ignored by the ears of those who oppose or support the underlying cause. Here’s a few of the more common issues and what each side openly believes about them:
- Abortion
- Conservatives – Life begins at conception. Abortion is the murder of another human being. We vehemently oppose the idea of our tax dollars providing free abortions to those who pay no taxes.
- Liberals – Liberals believe that a woman has the right to decide and when she decides to have an abortion, we should all pay our fair share of that murder. Liberals hate babies.
- Affirmative Action
- Conservatives – Discrimination and racism, where it exists, is deplorable. Where it is manufactured, it is even worse. “Equal opportunity” does not mean that the success of a neighbor guarantees you luxury. Equal opportunity means that you can make whatever you want for yourself in this country as long as you’re willing to work for it. In other words, you get what you pay for. Life’s not always fair, and sometimes others will get chances you think should have been yours but that doesn’t give you the right to take them from those who received their reward.
- Liberals – Ability, drive, ambition, competitive edge, private enterprise…..these are just the words of greedy men. The fact that you have no education shouldn’t stop you from getting that executive level job. You’re the victim here and we’ll flex our big, unionized muscle until the big bad corporation gives you that job. Liberals actively preach against personal responsibility and instead keep a loyal, constantly multiplying, legion of support at their beckon call by promising to conquer the devil that oppresses them as long as they vote left.
- Economy
- Conservatives – Free market, competitive capitalism, private enterprise…..these notions would have avoided the mess in which the flaming ball of liberal infused Chevy Volt finds itself engulfed. Free market inspection and the scrutiny of competition would have ruined companies like Solyndra, A123 Systems, and Ener1. They never would have survived the “Blue-sky” periods. Competition and public opinion drive our economy. Give us the chance to do what we do best and we can shine like no other country in the history of civilization. Limit us with heavy restrictions, financial uncertainty, and global ridicule and our once bright luster begins to fade.
- Liberals – The people who believe in free markets and capitalism should bankroll the opposing ideology…..hey, that’s us!! Awesome! More free stuff that those idiot capitalists are forcibly donating to us liberals. “Hey Barry…..you awake? What victim group do we assign this to?”
- Energy
- Conservatives – Oil is abundant here in the United States and, in the frequent words of Bill Clinton, we need to “tap that.” The states where oil is being pumped on private lands are seeing record numbers. Government has banned drilling under liberal rule.
- Liberals – That is not what Clinton meant! Oil is dirty and we should allow our friends in the middle east to handle it so that our beloved American Burying Beetle can once again flourish. The American Burying Beetle….as mentioned in countless children’s stories, is as much a part of our rich history as the stars and stripes themselves. Anyone who doesn’t agree is obviously uneducated. Seriously guys, I mean…..come on. Why can’t you all just accept a few more beheadings, jihads, and other acts of fanatical lunacy in order to save this precious, bug? Quick, someone get in touch with Pixar…..let’s get this thing rolling before nobody cares!
- Health Care
- Conservatives – The fact that there are those out there who cannot afford healthcare is sad indeed but it in no way means that the government should step in and force a “one-size-fits-all” form of care upon us all. This problem, like so many of the other problems facing our nation needs to be put to the test of private enterprise.
- Liberals – Constitution be damned!! You pay for my morality free health insurance or I’m going to go on the news and make sure everyone knows you’re a racist redneck. I’m entitled to my fair share of baby-killin but I need you to pay for it, okay? I can’t work, I gotta bruised ego. Doc says it requires constant video games, bong-hits, and canned pasta. Don’t discriminate, man,
- Religion
- Conservatives - “Separation of Church and state” does not appear anywhere in the United States Constitution. We don’t believe that church absence should be c0nsidered a crime, but those who choose to attend should not be oppressed by those who don’t. This country WAS founded upon Christian morals and the belief
that individual pursuit of Faith should be afforded to every American.
- Liberals – “If God was real, she’d be a liberal” Liberals believe that God is a crutch for those too weak, stupid, or easily manipulated to see things through a liberal lens.
- Taxes
- Conservatives – A smaller government requires fewer taxes. A smaller government oversees the defense of the country and insures that laws are passed to serve and protect only the interests of the country as a whole, not just an ideology.
- Liberals – Give us everything you have so that we can give it to those who give us nothing. Do it blindly because you never know when you’re going to find yourself right smack in the middle of one of our created victim pools. You’re too weak to support yourselves and we must do it for you. Now pay up.
- Dogs
- Conservatives – We love dogs. Dogs are happy to see us when we get home from a long, hard day of supporting others. Dogs protect our babies. Dogs don’t care what color our skin is. Dogs, if they had thumbs, would support the competitive nature of capitalism.
- Liberals: They eat dogs. That’s right folks, if you see a man eating a Dachshund and paying for it with YOUR debit card…..chances are that man is a liberal.
News came to the surface this week that His Barackness once ate a dog. I’m not sure if there was a great chase beforehand or if this braised pooch was served to him, but at some point in his life, Obama has tasted hound. Set the myriad other failures aside…..forget the outright disdain he has shown the Constitution…..forget if you can the billions of dollars he has cost us with his so called “investments” of our money…..set all of those things aside and just ask yourself one question: Can you trust the Presidency to a man who knows what dog tastes like?
Have a great weekend and as always, thanks for playing!
J Robert Giles
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